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The Funny Jokes Collection
by kiyokeo on Tue Aug 05, 2008 7:29 pm
JUST registered now wanna shop off my funny jokes collection!! wan copy must ask! COPYLEFT@@
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
---------------------------------------------------------
Two men were overheard in line at the local coffee establishment bragging about how much control they had over their wives. A third man was listening but remained quiet. After a while, the two men turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you? Does your wife know who's boss in your family?
The third fellow smiled and said, "Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her knees."
The first two whistled in amazement. "What happened? How can she kneel down before you?" They asked.
"Well," the third replied, "she had to do that since she needed to yell at me, 'Get out from the bed and fight like a man!"
----------------------------------------------------------
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
=----------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
-------------------------------
- There are three archaeologists walking in the forest when they are suddenly captured by a tribe full of cannibals. They take the three men to the king for judgment...
King- You have entered my land uninvited, the only way you can leave this village safe is to complete my task. First you must go into the forest by yourself and each bring me back ten fruits.
- The three entered the forest, and after about an hour the first man came back holding ten apples.
King- Very well, the final part in the task is to stuff all ten fruits up your but without making any gestures at all. After you finish this, you will be set free.
- The man starts without a moments hesitation, and manged to get three up, but his body couldn't take it anymore and he shouted. The guards quickly grabbed the man when all of a sudden the second man came.
- The second man comes holding in his hands ten cherries.
- The king told this man the same as he told the other, and this man also started pushing them up.
- This man had no problem with such small fruits, but as soon as he got to nine, he started to laugh and he was grabbed and the king ordered them both to be killed at that moment.
IN HEAVEN....
Cherry man- Man, and I was so close to...
Apple man- Why in the world would you laugh when you only had one cherry to go!?
Cherry man- Its because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples/durians!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
---------------------------------------------------------
Two men were overheard in line at the local coffee establishment bragging about how much control they had over their wives. A third man was listening but remained quiet. After a while, the two men turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you? Does your wife know who's boss in your family?
The third fellow smiled and said, "Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her knees."
The first two whistled in amazement. "What happened? How can she kneel down before you?" They asked.
"Well," the third replied, "she had to do that since she needed to yell at me, 'Get out from the bed and fight like a man!"
----------------------------------------------------------
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
=----------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
-------------------------------
- There are three archaeologists walking in the forest when they are suddenly captured by a tribe full of cannibals. They take the three men to the king for judgment...
King- You have entered my land uninvited, the only way you can leave this village safe is to complete my task. First you must go into the forest by yourself and each bring me back ten fruits.
- The three entered the forest, and after about an hour the first man came back holding ten apples.
King- Very well, the final part in the task is to stuff all ten fruits up your but without making any gestures at all. After you finish this, you will be set free.
- The man starts without a moments hesitation, and manged to get three up, but his body couldn't take it anymore and he shouted. The guards quickly grabbed the man when all of a sudden the second man came.
- The second man comes holding in his hands ten cherries.
- The king told this man the same as he told the other, and this man also started pushing them up.
- This man had no problem with such small fruits, but as soon as he got to nine, he started to laugh and he was grabbed and the king ordered them both to be killed at that moment.
IN HEAVEN....
Cherry man- Man, and I was so close to...
Apple man- Why in the world would you laugh when you only had one cherry to go!?
Cherry man- Its because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples/durians!
---------------------------------------------------------------
kiyokeo- Number of posts: 7
Registration date: 2008-08-05 
Re: The Funny Jokes Collection
by kiyokeo on Tue Aug 05, 2008 7:30 pm
THIS IS PART 2!!! 
-------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink.
After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
-----------------------------------------------
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young boys, the teacher says to her students:
If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”
Mike replies: Wait a minute, I m going for a piss.
The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Charlie replies: I m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I ll be back in a minute.
The teacher says: Thats much better but to mention the word toilet during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Little Johnny says: My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.
----------------------------------------
A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie:"Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First Wish:"I would Iike a billion dollars."
Genie:"Okay but mom get's two billion."
Second Wish:"I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie:"Okay but mom get's two islands."
Third Wish:"I would like you to beat me half to death."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There was 3 guys and they were running away from a angered bull but at the end of the cliff, there was a genie and the only way to run away from it is asking the genie what u want to be.
So the first person tells the genie that he wants to be a hawk, so the genie turns him into a hawk and flies away
Then the second person tells the genie that he wants to be a pidgin and flies away
The last person was running and the bull was catching up to him and when he jump off the cliff from running too fast he yells SH!T! Then the genie turns him into a piece of SH!T lying on the ground.
--------------------------------------------
There are 4 people on a private jet plane, a Indian,a Japanese,a Australian ans a Singaporean. all of a sudden, the steady sound of the engine die away.
The poilet then came running out from the cabin and tell them that the plane is over loaded and there need to lighten the load.
The indian throw one of his 4 sons down as he has too many children, the japanese threw his laptop down as he has too many laptops, the Australian threw his pet joey down, and the singaporean threw the indian down because he has too many indians in his country,,,,,,
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
=============================================
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
-----------------------------------
Once upon a time, there were three men who got on an island with just only sand, trees and rocks.
An other day, they found a magic pot.
They where curious of what were in it so they opened it.
A Djini came out!
Then the Djini said:
"Thank you for freeing me, as thank, I will grand you three wishes."
The three men were happy.
The first one wished:
"I want to go to Hawaii, wanna mary a beautifull woman, and want LOTS of money!"
*His wish was granted.*
The second one wished:
"Hey uhmm Djini dude... I wanna leave this darn island...
I want to live in HollyWood, mary Britney Spears, Want MORE money then the guy who wished before me, and that Britney and me will have over ten children!"
*His wish was granted.*
The third one wished:
"Oh mighty Djini,.. I feel so lonely here... I have noone to talk with...
So I wish that those guys will come back here..."
--------------------------------------
rabbit and bear found a lamp and a genie appeared.
the genie said- i am going to grant 3 desires for you two
so the bear replied- i want all this forest's bear to be female
the genie grant its wish
then the rabbit wished-i want a motorcycle
and a motorcycle appeared
bear- i wish every bear of this country be female
and the genie granted its wish again
rabbit- i want a helmet
and a helmet appeared
bear-i want every bear from this planet to be female
and his wish was granted
rabbit-i want....- running away in the motorcycle and shouting to the genie- the bear be gay
---------------------------------------
There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in
London . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
somehow to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day,
she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to
put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork
legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.Again, she didn't know how
to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
She brought her husband to the store............. so what did she do?
What were you thinking?! Her husband speaks english!
------------------------------------
One day.. a wife brought his lover home when his husband was at work.. her son was playin in her room when he heard noises.. he hide in the cupboard... when the wife and her lover was busy.. her husband suddenly came back.. then the wife ask the lover to hide in the cupboard so...
son: it's dark in here
lover: yea
son: wanna buy a pair of baseball gloves?
lover: no
son: my father is outside
lover: how much?
son: $750
weeks after... the son was hiding in the cupboard again.. andn the wife happened to bring her lover home and her husband was suddenly early from work..
son: it's dark in here
lover: yea
son: wanna buy a baseball bat?
lover: no
son: my father is outside
lover: how much?
son: $250
one day.. the father wanted to play baseball with his son.. he asked his son to take his baseball things out..
son: i have already sold them
father: sold? how much?
son: $1000
his father was very angry that he cheated other people's money.. he then asked his son to confessed to the priest.. his father told him to say what he said to to the innocent person..
son: it's dark in here
priest: dont start that shit again!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up...some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink.
After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
-----------------------------------------------
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young boys, the teacher says to her students:
If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”
Mike replies: Wait a minute, I m going for a piss.
The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Charlie replies: I m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I ll be back in a minute.
The teacher says: Thats much better but to mention the word toilet during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Little Johnny says: My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.
----------------------------------------
A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie:"Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First Wish:"I would Iike a billion dollars."
Genie:"Okay but mom get's two billion."
Second Wish:"I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie:"Okay but mom get's two islands."
Third Wish:"I would like you to beat me half to death."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There was 3 guys and they were running away from a angered bull but at the end of the cliff, there was a genie and the only way to run away from it is asking the genie what u want to be.
So the first person tells the genie that he wants to be a hawk, so the genie turns him into a hawk and flies away
Then the second person tells the genie that he wants to be a pidgin and flies away
The last person was running and the bull was catching up to him and when he jump off the cliff from running too fast he yells SH!T! Then the genie turns him into a piece of SH!T lying on the ground.
--------------------------------------------
There are 4 people on a private jet plane, a Indian,a Japanese,a Australian ans a Singaporean. all of a sudden, the steady sound of the engine die away.
The poilet then came running out from the cabin and tell them that the plane is over loaded and there need to lighten the load.
The indian throw one of his 4 sons down as he has too many children, the japanese threw his laptop down as he has too many laptops, the Australian threw his pet joey down, and the singaporean threw the indian down because he has too many indians in his country,,,,,,
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
=============================================
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
-----------------------------------
Once upon a time, there were three men who got on an island with just only sand, trees and rocks.
An other day, they found a magic pot.
They where curious of what were in it so they opened it.
A Djini came out!
Then the Djini said:
"Thank you for freeing me, as thank, I will grand you three wishes."
The three men were happy.
The first one wished:
"I want to go to Hawaii, wanna mary a beautifull woman, and want LOTS of money!"
*His wish was granted.*
The second one wished:
"Hey uhmm Djini dude... I wanna leave this darn island...
I want to live in HollyWood, mary Britney Spears, Want MORE money then the guy who wished before me, and that Britney and me will have over ten children!"
*His wish was granted.*
The third one wished:
"Oh mighty Djini,.. I feel so lonely here... I have noone to talk with...
So I wish that those guys will come back here..."
--------------------------------------
rabbit and bear found a lamp and a genie appeared.
the genie said- i am going to grant 3 desires for you two
so the bear replied- i want all this forest's bear to be female
the genie grant its wish
then the rabbit wished-i want a motorcycle
and a motorcycle appeared
bear- i wish every bear of this country be female
and the genie granted its wish again
rabbit- i want a helmet
and a helmet appeared
bear-i want every bear from this planet to be female
and his wish was granted
rabbit-i want....- running away in the motorcycle and shouting to the genie- the bear be gay
---------------------------------------
There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in
London . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
somehow to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day,
she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to
put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork
legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.Again, she didn't know how
to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
She brought her husband to the store............. so what did she do?
What were you thinking?! Her husband speaks english!
------------------------------------
One day.. a wife brought his lover home when his husband was at work.. her son was playin in her room when he heard noises.. he hide in the cupboard... when the wife and her lover was busy.. her husband suddenly came back.. then the wife ask the lover to hide in the cupboard so...
son: it's dark in here
lover: yea
son: wanna buy a pair of baseball gloves?
lover: no
son: my father is outside
lover: how much?
son: $750
weeks after... the son was hiding in the cupboard again.. andn the wife happened to bring her lover home and her husband was suddenly early from work..
son: it's dark in here
lover: yea
son: wanna buy a baseball bat?
lover: no
son: my father is outside
lover: how much?
son: $250
one day.. the father wanted to play baseball with his son.. he asked his son to take his baseball things out..
son: i have already sold them
father: sold? how much?
son: $1000
his father was very angry that he cheated other people's money.. he then asked his son to confessed to the priest.. his father told him to say what he said to to the innocent person..
son: it's dark in here
priest: dont start that shit again!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up...some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
kiyokeo- Number of posts: 7
Registration date: 2008-08-05 -
Re: The Funny Jokes Collection
by kiyokeo on Tue Aug 05, 2008 7:36 pm
SPECIALLY EDITED TO FIT 12 TO 14 age to read!
_________________
WTF!!!JARED STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF!!!
kiyokeo- Number of posts: 7
Registration date: 2008-08-05 -
Re: The Funny Jokes Collection
by anqi ! on Tue Aug 05, 2008 7:56 pm
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?" make the emulator bigger "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
teehee
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?" make the emulator bigger "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
teehee
anqi !- Number of posts: 3
Registration date: 2008-08-05 -
Re: The Funny Jokes Collection
by kiyokeo on Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:40 pm
lolz!! nice man!!!
_________________
WTF!!!JARED STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF!!!
kiyokeo- Number of posts: 7
Registration date: 2008-08-05 -
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